Communication, communication, communication. Time and time again we say on the BDSM scene that communication is very important. But why is communication so important in BDSM and in BDSM 24/7 relationships?

When two people on the BDSM scene meet to play, discussing what they like and dislike is important. The reason to do this is to try and reach a shared understanding between each other and to make they understand what the other wants.

But often we end up still having a misunderstanding. Why?

Honesty and Accuracy

If we lie and say we have more experience in something that we have, then we deserve the fact that we may have a bad experience.

But we can also sometimes exaggerate, and this is when we can get into trouble. If you have never experienced bondage pass 1 hour, then you should be real about this. Letting someone know you can cope “for hours” in bondage when it is not true will probably lead to an unpleasant experience.

Instead we should be accurate about our experience as it allows the Master to then know how much you can cope with, and how much to stretch your limits, rather than going over them completely and with the consequences that follow.

Listening

Often we do not listen to what the other person says. We are too caught up in our fantasy of the person to really listen to them.

Or we think this person is perfect for us, and we then ignore/avoid issues that may impact a session.

Once I was travelling to meet a Master. We had planned this a few months in advance. In the meantime  I then proceeded to get a cold, then a very bad case of food poisoning, then full blown flu that took took over a month to start feeling well from. It meant I was going to be heading to Master right after being ill for almost 2 months.

After speaking with Him about my condition He was still happy for me to visit.

Unfortunately they were disappointed in my physical condition and let me know that afterwards.

When I look back at this, I can see that the Master did not listen to what I had said. The thought of having a slave for 3 days was to much to resist. Although I was clear about my physical condition, they discounted it, and so found themselves disappointed in something they had been warned about before I arrived.

I suggest here we need to sometimes look through messages more rationally and really look at what the person is trying to tell us. One tactics is to try and read through the messages after cumming so the sexual edge has been taken off.

Assumptions / clarification 

I think this issues can be the most unexpected one that can affect a lot of people.

We use a lot of terms in BDSM. But these terms and meanings can be completely different for lots of people. 

I can give an example. I was once going to visit a Master for 5 days. They happened to know another Master that I served, so they spoke to each other.

The one Master told the other how objectification was very important to me. When I then served this other Master, he expressed surprise and said how wrong this was, and that objectification was not something that was important to me as far He could tell, and would not use me like that. He then proceeded to do things to me which were some of the most “object” like that I had experienced. This surprised me.

So how can we have three people talking to each other, and being surprised by each others opinion?

The answer is that objectification is a term that can mean very different things to different people. So for one Master what objectification means is completely different to another, and this can be very different to what the slave thinks it is.

So how can we avoid this?

We should ask more clarifying questions. When someone states they like objectification. What does this mean to them? 

Look through a conversation and try and identify when you have made an assumption and then go back and ask questions on it. 

Do not assume, but check is your meaning the same as theirs, and if not, explore how they are different. Perhaps what the person is offering is something you had never thought of before, and it is an experience you will enjoy. Or perhaps you would hate it. It is better to find out before than after.