At the moment I find myself in a strange position. On one side I find myself missing the connection and service with a Master, and wanting one so much. And on the other side I find myself repelled at the idea of trusting someone, and opening myself up to serving and connecting with someone again.
Why is this? Last year, through no fault of anyone, my relationship to a Master came to an end. And now I am on my journey back to not serving.
When you meet a Master you start on a journey – a journey to understand them better, to serve them better. Your world view starts to focus much more onto them, and with that you start to find new ways of how you can please and serve them.
It is normally a fun time, focussing on someone you want to put first. To love them, to love all the things they do. As a slave nothing is better than to find new ways to make your Master happy.
You are connecting and binding to your Master more and more. A good Master helps with this, finding ways to help the slave connect and bind more. Guiding the slave to better service. This can be psychological, it can be coaching, or it can be through S&M.
Step by step you connect more,
But when the relationship fails, or stops – for whatever reason you need to take all those steps in reverse.
Each and every step you took towards the Master, you now need to take in reverse.
But this time there is not someone helping you or guiding you. Rather than a Master helping you move towards a them, you only have yourself to move away. And rather than giving up control, you are taking it back.
So often it is not a pleasurable experience. Though it may not be unpleasant, it is not a nice experience, as you are doing the opposite to what a slave wants to do.
An example of taking back control is to decide your own hairstyle. Something that you easily gave up to the Master, you now need to take back. But it is hard to do it. As deciding your own hairstyle is symbolic of the ending of your relationship. Each one of this decisions to take back control can be difficult to take, and often they take time before the slave is ready.
Last year after my relationship had finished I met up with another Master for coffee. I was still in a lot of pain and confusion from the relationship ending so was completely unable to serve and give anything to this Master. But we had decided it would still be good to meet up for a chat over coffee while he was in Berlin.
He asked me to shave my beard off. I just could not do it. The beard was what the (now) old Master wanted. But to shave it off I was completely unable to do, as I could not bear what it meant – that my relationship with someone I loved and served was at and end. I simply was not ready.
The only thing that can solve this is time. It takes time to move back to being yourself, to be unconnected. Step by step.
And this is where I find myself now, on the journey back. Wanting to serve again, but not quite yet ready. And trying to find patience and not giving into the frustration of not being ready yet.
I was speaking to someone recently about this, and they made a comment about how the slave willingly gives up control. It made me think that the steps you take to bind to a Master are all about willingly giving up control to the Master.
And therefore the steps back is slowly taking back control. Although the Master may no longer be there controlling, the slave still needs to pick up the control again, and this is what takes time.
And once you have done that, you are ready to start the journey with someone else. And perhaps this time they will be the one!