I have questions about using the terms Master and slave

One of the most common questions I receive when people email me concerns the titles of Master and slave.

Some people, including myself, identify strongly with the terms Master and slave and want to use them in their power exchange play or relationship. But others do not.

I am often emailed by people asking if they do not use the term Master or slave if this means they cannot be part of the Master/slave Lifestyle or power exchange in general if they do not use the terms Master or slave.

The short answer is yes, they can.

What terms do people use in a power exchange relationship

Many people use different terms to donate the roles of power exchange.

People use terms other than Master, such as Boss, Dominator, Dad, Daddy, Kink, Alpha, Handler, and many more.

Instead of slaves, they use sub, dog, pup, submissive, boy, and girl. 

It is important to note that these are not the only terms you can use; you can and should use whatever feels good for you.

And just because you do not want to use the term Master/slave does not mean you cannot be into power exchange.

This also means that all the articles, episodes, courses, and coaching on this website apply to you regardless of what term you use.

Is it ok to use the terms Master/slave?

Yes, it is.

I know that for certain countries and cultures, this has a historical connotation, which can make some people uncomfortable with using the words Master and slave. 

You will encounter people who want a power exchange relationship or experience who might not want to use those terms, but you will also find plenty of people who do not.

What is the best way of dealing with terms in power exchange?

• What is important is to use the term that feels right for you 
• Be respectful of the terms other people want to use
• Be respectful if someone finds those terms uncomfortable
• Be respectful if someone uses a term someone finds uncomfortable

Be careful around shame

It is easy to shame someone for using a term you find uncomfortable. There is already so much shame around sex, kinks and fetishes; we must be careful about bringing further shame to this area.

Often, the terms we use in power exchange are very important for embracing these parts of our kink identities. 

However, a term that one person finds empowering can be something someone else hates.

I want to use the word faggot as an example. I dislike this term. I think my dislike comes partly from my British culture, upbringing, and how that word was used. But it’s also from the fact that I was bullied so much by it when I was young.

But, I have coached and supported many people who love the term. They find it empowers their slave self and helps their submission to come out. 

It would be easy for me to shame people for using the word faggot, but I believe this would be deeply wrong to shame someone for a term I personally find wrong due to my history with it when in reality, the word faggot means as much to them as the word slave meant to me when I was a slave.

It is just not right for me.

And when I was a slave, if I came into contact with a Master who used that term, they were not the right Master for me. Not that something was wrong with them or that they should be shamed for using it.

That Master and I are just not the right match. 

It can be easy for me to write this, but of course, lots of emotions can come up. One is wanting to find someone and being disappointed that they are using something that does not work for you. Or it brings up emotions from the past you want to avoid. Perhaps you feel angry about the term and tell the person they should not use it.

But take a step back and allow yourself to feel those emotions, and then decide what to do.

Go back to these principles, and then decide what is best.

Often, it will be to thank them but to say we are not a match.

Can I use a term as long as it is consensual? 

My view is that there is nothing wrong with someone using any term to denote Master or slave as long as it is consensual. If either side is uncomfortable with it, it should not be used, and no one should be pressured into accepting it.

In today’s society, it can be straightforward to shame someone or to feel shame for using any term around power exchange.

But as long as it is consensual and works for you, use what is appropriate.

And do not feel obliged to use the terms Master and slave if you need something different,

But if those terms work – like they do for me – then use them.

You might have strong views about what should or should not be used, but you should also take into account other people’s perspectives; for example, this set of podcast episodes where people who are not white talk about the terms they like and what they prefer to use.

• From Conservatism to Kink: Embracing My True Self as a slave
• The Joy of controlling someone and consensual objectification
• The journey of a black submissive to find his true self

How does what they see change how you see certain terms or how you might interact with people who want to use them?

Why is this website called Master/slave Lifestyle?

These are the terms that appeal to me most, so I used them when first creating the website. 

Also, trying to use every single term for dominant or submission or to caveat any term I used when I mentioned it would result in me writing some very convoluted text.

But when I talk about a Master, I think about anyone in a dominant role, and when I talk about a slave, I think about anyone who is in a submissive role.

I have come across some people talking about Masters or dominates as the M-type and the slaves or submissives as the S-type.

So, as you read the articles, episodes, and my books, masterclasses, and coaching, understand that when I use these terms, I mean them for anyone interested in power change.

I hope you enjoy the website and wish you luck with your journey in power exchange, no matter what term you choose.