Have a support network
Ensure you have a good network of people supporting you through this breakup.
Having friends you can openly talk to about your Master/slave relationship is essential. This means cultivating friendships with people who do not judge you for your lifestyle choices. Many might not understand the M/s relationship, but they can still be there for you.
With my breakups, I am very thankful for my friends. Many were not part of the Master/slave scene, but they were there for me and helped me.
This point also means it is crucial as a Master and slave not to cut off contact with your support group. It can be tempting to have a slave only connect with the Master. But this means that once the relationship ends, they could struggle if they have no friends.
Two points in particular here.
Isolating the slave
A Master that chooses for His slave to be isolated must then take responsibility at the end of the relationship to ensure the slave will have the support of other people. However, in practice, most Masters I have encountered who have isolated their slaves did not give or arrange adequate support for the slave at the end of the relationship – leaving the slave very much alone.
Moving to a Master
Many Masters and slaves find themselves across long distances, and therefore one of them – usually the slave – will move. If you are moving to a new country or city, you are moving somewhere without a support network. Therefore – although both Master and slave might want to focus on their relationship as they have just moved in, I would suggest that both Master and slave also prioritise creating a support group for the slave.
Don’t try and find a new Master
From my experience as a slave in a breakup with a Master, the urge to find a new Master to fill the hole inside you can be overwhelming.
But the simple truth is that you are not ready for another relationship. You must journey through the stages of grief.
With my first M/s breakup, I tried to go and see other Masters and often found myself bursting into tears as all these emotions came out. I had an intense experience being caged in Berlin (long before I moved here). On the second day, I peacefully accepted that I could not be a slave. At that time, I thought I could never be a slave again – which is not true.
I now understand that going from one intense experience to another did not help me recover. If I had paused and allowed myself to process the emotions, I would have saved much pain.
Another reason to be careful with meeting people is that many people on the scene do not know how to deal with a Master/slave breakup and the emotions that come with it. Some do not know what to do. Others don’t care and want some fun. The worst encounter for me at one point was being told I was broken and to come back when I was fixed. That is probably one of the worst things you could say to someone going through a painful Master/slave breakup.
However, there are more knowledgeable people on the scene that can help. These people are usually more connected in the scene and can be educators or involved in the community somehow. These people may have more knowledge that can help and better know how to help, support or advise someone in these situations.
Mentor Master
There is the concept of a mentor Master where a Master may, for some time, take temporary “light” ownership of a slave to give it some structure and help it heal. It bridges the hole from the breakup while giving the slave space to grieve.
Should you do this or not? It can be an emotional decision rather than a logical one. It depends on the slave’s trust in the Master offering and how you feel. I was once offered this by a Master with whom I had a great trust, but I had a firm no at the time. The Master before had done a lot of hypnotism with me, and emotionally, I did not want another Master inside my head.
Work on your identity
When you serve a Master, your identity can blur and merge with his. With a breakup, you now need to reclaim your own identity. Remember who you are without a Master.
But an M/s relationship will also transform you. You are a different person from the one that entered the relationship. So you not only need to remember who you are but also need to find out who you now are after this relationship because you have been changed by it.
You need to answer the question: Who are you now? This is a challenging question and will take time and effort to figure out.
I remember two years after my recent breakup, I was at a workshop (which was nothing to do with BDSM). In the workshop, there was a stage where you could go around and ask people for things – such as a hug or something else – it could have been anything! And I realised I had no idea what I wanted.
I had been a slave for so long that I had lost sight of my own needs. People can think this is the ultimate place for a slave to be in. But this can be very dangerous as you have forgotten what gives you joy or makes you happy.
I urge all slaves to understand their needs and not lose sight of them to avoid what happened to me. Because of our desire to please and give up things for the Master – it can be effortless for us to do this without realising the cost.
Find a support group
A support group can help during these times. This can be in addition to a friendship group. Speaking with people who also have M/s relationships and are knowledgeable about them can be very helpful and affirming.
The Master/slave Lifestyle has its own free support group here. Or you can check out Mast.net for other M/s groups.
Therapy
Therapy can also help – look for a kink-friendly or knowledgeable Kink therapist or coach.
Do not find someone that will be judgemental about your relationship. It is not helpful to be going through the stages of grief and then have someone who is supposed to be supporting you judging you.
I have done this several times. When I reach out to a therapist asking for an initial appointment, I clearly detail that I was in a Master/slave relationship and want to find a therapist to discuss these subjects and issues in a none judgemental way.
- Check out the mental health podcast episode for other help
Do activities and hobbies you enjoy
After a breakup or dealing with death, we can avoid the things that give us joy. Sometimes it is because of the depression we feel. Other times we feel guilty about doing something that provides us joy – we somehow feel we do not deserve it.
We can logically find reasons why we might not be able to do something that gives us joy, that validates we should not do it. But in reality, there is usually a more emotional reason why we do not want to pick up on the activity.
So give yourself permission to do the things that give you joy.
As a slave, if you have lost sight of your need and are unsure what gives you joy anymore. I recommend you reflect on what you enjoyed – including as a child. But also to experiment and try many different things.
I also do powerful coaching on this, which has helped many people.
