The emotional stages of a Master/slave breakup

When a Master/slave relationship ends, be it a breakup or death – we can go through a cycle of emotions.

This process is well known as the six stages of grief.

The stages are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance
• Meaning

Although this is often shown as a linear sequence where we go from one step to another, this is not true. We can be in all of these stages at the same time, and we can bounce around. Think of it more like a circle where we can go through this journey again and again before finally moving to acceptance and meaning.

When a Master or slave breaks up or needs to deal with the death of the other, they will go through these stages.

Denial

Denial can be easy to understand; we refuse to realise that a relationship has ended. 

I once had a very manipulative master who broke up with me in a very manipulative way. But for about 6-7 weeks after the breakup, I refused to believe the relationship had ended.

My body reacted physically, and I repeatedly caught illnesses, each one worse than the last, until I ended up with such foul flu that it took me six weeks to recover from it. I kept myself (when I was not ill) as busy as possible to continue the denial. 

Logically I knew the relationship was at an end, but emotionally and irrationally, my mind refused to believe it. It was a form of shock.

It was only on the day of the “family dinner” with Master – to which I was not invited – that I truly understood that the relationship had ended. And that was when I moved into the other stages.

Recommendations

Be kind to yourself. Understand that it might take time to realise and come to terms with what has happened.

And if you are a supporter or friend of someone going through this stage. Have patience. It might be bloody obvious to you what has happened, and you cannot understand why they refuse to see it. But it is because they are in the stage of denial. So be patient and be ready to catch them when they finally realise what has happened.

Anger

Anger is something we can all understand. We can be angry at how we were treated in the relationship, angry that someone else decided to end the relationship (either Master or slave). Or angry at how the relationship ended. In a polyamorous relationship, you might be angry with someone else in the family or polyamorous constellation you are in, which might also be part of the cause for the relationship ending.

Following on my example in denial: When I realised the relationship was really at an end, I became furious. Part of that anger was how the Master handled the situation. 

He deliberately met me in a bar to tell me he no longer wanted a relationship (I think in the hope I would not scream or shout). Immediately after he had said this, he noticed someone outside on the street he knew and wanted in the slave family. So right after telling me I was out of the family, he ran out to speak with this person and decided to go for coffee with him, leaving me in shock and wondering what had just happened.

Recommendations

How does one deal with anger – again, it takes time. I suggest not aiming your anger at random people to deal with it more healthily.

Ways I have used in the past are therapy, meditation – notably loving kindness – and also forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a large concept – I could write an entire book on the process. So what I write here is the briefest of summaries of a complex and subtle process. Often for the path of anger to end, one needs to forgive. Or, if forgiving is too strong a word, to let go of the hurt we are feeling. 

We are not ready to forgive when the anger and hurt are fresh. But after a time, we can reach a point when we are ready for the path of forgiveness or letting go and start this journey.

One must also be careful with anger – anger is a strong emotion and can be very protective. But it can also become a comfort blanket we do not want to let go of. Something we keep around ourselves to feel safe and warm. But unless we want to feel these emotions all the time for the rest of our life, we must let go of this comfort and reach for forgiveness and letting go.

Bargaining

Bargaining can manifest in many different ways. We spend a lot of time and mental energy wondering if there is a way back into being in the relationship again. Or we can endlessly procrastinate on what ifs trying to find out the one thing we could have done differently that would have changed the situation we now find ourselves in.

Recently – at the time of writing this – I was ghosted by two Masters I had been in a relationship with for several months. I am still trying to understand why or what happened.

I found myself thinking things such as: ” If I said this…” or “if I said that,” perhaps if I do not remove access to my slave journal, the situation will change. I realised I was in bargaining mode and playing with things, hoping this might make a difference in the relationship, which was not true.

When I realised this, I could decide to let go – for example, by removing access to my slave journal and personal calendar, as I realised this would help me with the healing process and moving on.

Depression

This is one I’ve had a lot of personal experience with – when you genuinely realise the relationship has ended. 

In this stage, we need to be careful of what we do. I usually reduce any drugs or alcohol during this period, as from my experience, drinking or drugs worsen things.

It is also worth being careful of BDSM practises, as these can cause incredible highs and significant lows from the endorphins and adrenaline that can impact depression.

I once was in depression and had someone do a fantastic scene on me. The scene caused an incredible amount of endorphins and gave me a much-needed high. Usually, I would typically feel wonderful for a few days after a scene like that. But the depression was so powerful that the endorphins were gone within an hour, and the depression was back. 

I found the too-quick-up followed by a down made me feel worse than before the scene. At that time, it also frightened me as I realised how strong the depression was to shorten a two-day endorphin high into one.

I am only talking from my experience, and it might be for you; it is a different experience, so do not take my experience to be true for everyone. BDSM, flogging and other pain can also be very cathartic and allow you to process something you have also struggled from.

When in this stage, please seek support from others, including friends and qualified therapists and coaches who are kink friendly or knowledgeable.

With my depression, I had three days where I carried on reasonably OK – though when I look at the photos from this time, I can see the sheer pain I was experiencing. I saw Wonder Woman at the cinema on Monday with a friend, and then on Tuesday, I could not get out of bed and face work. 

Tuesday morning turned into a week, and late Thursday, a Master and friend from the UK realised something was amiss and called me. I could not even speak properly by this point. And that conversation helped me to move out of the depression to a healthier place.

So be aware that you can move to a bad place, and if supporting, check on them.

Acceptance

Acceptance is when we are finally ready to face our relationship’s end. We are not trying to hide from it with denial, fight it with anger, or avoid emotions and feelings of depression.

We have yet to reach a good place, but we are at a point we can move forward and move effectively with the breakup. 

“Acceptance doesn’t mean not experiencing distress, emotions or trauma. It does not mean you condone what is happening. It means noticing what you are fighting against, validating your desire to fight against it, and re-orienting yourself to the reality of the moment you are in. It means not getting stuck, or getting un-stuck, from other stages. Mindfulness and a non-judgmental, curious attitude can be a big help.”

Meaning

Although not true of all people as part of the stage of grief, some can move to find meaning.

Master/slave Lifestyle website and podcast are a testament to this stage. A few months after I broke up with the Berlin Master in 2017, I went to the workshop where a seed of an idea was planted. The idea was to take all of my experiences from the M/s world, along with my communication skills, coach skills, and help others. It took another six months of procrastination and fear (along with some significant life events) before I started. Since then, I have created The Master/slave Lifestyle and have found new sources of joy through this meaningful work.

So sometimes, with grief, we can find new meaning and joys as we move forward.

What happens at the end of the process?

I would love to tell you that everything is OK at the end of the process. All the issues disappear, and we no longer feel hurt or pain.

But of course, this is not true.

We can be scared. We can still look back and feel the grief and sorrow of something that came to an end. In the stories I shared here, I always feel a little melancholy over Christmas – as this is when I realise I was no longer part of a Master/slave family.

But the hurt and anger are now gone and healed. And although there may be scar tissue that occasionally hurts, I have been moving forward for many years.

So if you are going through a Master/slave breakup or are supporting someone, remember these stages and use them to help yourself and others as they move from grief to finding joy again, and maybe even a new M/s relationship.

More information

This article does a good job of breaking down the stages and describing how the different stages feel