The end of a special relationship

We can sometimes focus so much on starting a Master/slave relationship that we want to avoid the fact that the Master/slave relationship – like all relationships can end.

When I first started out in the Master/slave scene, I aimed to find a Master for the rest of my life. But as I have grown older and matured, with my experiences on my Master/slave journey, I have learnt that all things will come to an end.

There is only one certainty in life: all things will change – and eventually, end. This can be an incredibly uncomfortable thing to realise. We want to push away from it. But it can be potent and empowering to know as well. 

Being mindful that all things change enables me to fully appreciate what I already have. It also helps me to make larger decisions. Often I imagine if I was to die in a year, what would I regret not doing? And this makes it very easy to make larger and more significant decisions to explore and do activities before it is too late. For example, should I go on a trial to visit a Master? Knowing that I would regret it if I did not go makes it very easy to decide.

The unique issues when a Master/slave relationship ends

When the Master/slave relationship ends, there can be more issues – some of them unique – than in a normal relationship, and everyone should be aware of what they are.

Losing an anchor

In deeper M/s relationships as a slave, I have found myself binding myself more and more to the Master. He defines what I look like and what I should be focused on. In a live-in relationship, he might also define the structure of my day. I wake up thinking about Him and go to bed thinking about Him and if I have done everything He has required.

The Master has become the slave’s anchor. But when the relationship ends, the anchor is gone, and the slave ends up adrift, lost on a vast sea, needing to find themselves again.

Often we do not realise how much of ourselves we have given to the Master until the relationship has ended, and we need to find these things for ourselves.

Re-establishing our identity

We also need to re-establish our identity. From deciding our appearance to what we should do during the day, to being able to cum when we want. But suppose we do not want to end the relationship. In that case, it can be an uncomfortable process to re-establish our identity, as doing so represents the fact we are now unowned slaves.

When I broke up with my Master in Berlin, I had bound much of myself to him, including my appearance. After the breakup, some months later, I started to reclaim my appearance and decide what I wanted to look like. From not having a shaved head to the mohican, you often see me sporting in my videos and pictures, to my piercings and tattoos. Part of this process was myself reclaiming who I am and what I should look like in the first years after I broke up.

But this was not easy – it took me two months before I was even ready to change my hairstyle. There was also a sorrow in deciding these things for myself as it meant I was unowned. 

I also remember this with cumming. It took me 3-4 months to really enjoy myself when cumming. Of course, I was cumming during these months. But the symbolism of this again showed me I was unowned, so there was sadness in doing this. I remember one night in November having an orgasm and enjoying it (and I like to think waking the neighbours up with my bellow) and realising I was ready to enjoy masturbation again.

So there is a process and a journey from breaking up to being comfortable with oneself again.

Depression

In some cases – including mine – I found myself suffering from depression. Because I had lost such as significant part of myself when I broke up, it was harrowing.

As part of my ownership, I slowly opened myself up to my emotions – moving my ego to the side. It meant the Master could bring the most vulnerable and beautiful slave heart out in me as I served him.

This meant I was open to my emotions. As those emotions changed from happiness to pain and despair, I could not shield myself from them. This was because I had opened myself so much that my ego was no longer shielding me from the emotions like what happens with most people.

And so I was struck with the full force of the emotions you get during a breakup, unable to defend myself. And so my body reacted with depression as a protection mechanism. As if I am feeling nothing, I am safe from the emotions.

Today, I am more aware of this and have trained myself to open and close as I choose. This way, I am not stuck open and can protect myself from the full force of more negative emotions.

Can we make sure nothing changes?

Unfortunately no.

I am aware of relationships that have done this—cutting the slave off from as much contact as possible with friends or family. Or to control things even more. 

But this makes the relationships very brittle.

There are life events such as death and severe illness (either with Master or slave or with their families). And these issues and events are just a part of life. If an M/s relationship is configured so they cannot cope with these sorts of events that WILL happen, the relationship will end.

Instead, we must ensure that the M/s relationships can adapt and change to these events. And this then provides a better chance for the relationships to survive and flourish.

Is it worth it?

I believe it is.

To avoid the potential hurt is to avoid deep connection and vulnerability. To truly be hurt means you truly opened up and experienced something special. And this is what it means to live.

Not to go through life regretting actions not done or always wishing to do something but being too scared of failure or hurt. But do these things, risk, sometimes experience hurt and pain, and truly live and explore all life has to offer.

For me, there is no other way to live.