Fetish community principles: Non judgmental information

Over last year I have been thinking deeply about the gay BDSM and the sub community of Master slaves, and I have been trying to think of what principles we should try and act by and use, in order to create a gay fetish community to be proud of. 

For this series of articles I will talk about principles. Principles are guidelines, a soft barrier rather than a hard one, that help us know what we should try to do.  Principles can conflict and overlap with each other, and we need to work in that tension between them, figuring out what is the best way forward.

And they can also have unintended consequences. So when I talk about these principles, I write about them with this knowledge. I write about them knowing the practical living by them is hard. I know it can lead to something better, but it will never lead to some utopia.

The problem

You may have noticed that the gay community in general – be in fetish or not – can be very judgmental. People are very quick to judge and dislike someone – often because of something they feel affected by.

And then in the gay fetish community there can be a number of bad actors. People that can have negative to damaging effect on other people in the scene. But quite often new people have no idea about these people, and can become involved in them and then get damaged.

In my experience of entering the fetish scene I have personally found there is often not much information given to new people. And when that information is given it is often in a very judgmental way.

To bring this to life. Many years ago I served a Master who was well known on the scene, and in the end was incredibly damaging to me – both emotional and psychologically. When I started to heal myself, I found out this person was well known to grab newbies, chew them up and spit them back out again. Many of the people never came back onto the scene again.

But I had received no information about this. I did received two pieces of feedback about this person. Both pieces of advice were: “I hate him as he takes all the young people.”

Not really helpful advice – and of course I did not take such comments with any credibility, as jealously seemed to be the major factor in the advice.

So although there are well known people on the fetish scene who are known to be damaging to other people – many people often have no idea that they are damaging. This is especially true for new people or people who are not deeply part of the community. And when there is feedback, quite often it is very judgmental and based on the personal dislikes with means you would discount the feedback.

But going around and telling people to avoid someone as you think they are bad for them would lead to a very toxic environment as well.

Especially as what our individual views of right and wrong are, can be different for different people. For example me looking to be a 24/7 slave would have many people disagreeing with that. But why do they have the right to judge me? And if that is true – why should I have right to judge them.

But I believe the current status quo of people not talking at all is not right either. I wonder at how many people a bad actor has taken in and affected so badly that they never come back. Especially in 24/7 circles there is no many slaves or Masters – why should we loose so many to bad actors.

For me after the experience with this Master – I was very close to never coming back on the scene again.

A potential solution

I believe a potential solution to this is the gay fetish community adopting the following principle:

Providing non judgmental, objective and fair information and allow the person you are telling the responsibility to make their own mind up

So going back to my story above. If someone had come up to me and said the following: “I can see you are very interested in Master X. I wanted to let you know that many people often have a really good time with him. But often the play session can involve lot of drugs. And I have also noticed that people will be with him for a few months and will then disappear, or will be very upset. This is something I have noticed happening for the last 3 years. However there are some people that have stayed with him for 3 years with no issues.

So please bear this into account in any decisions you make concerning him.”

Do you see how different this is too: “I hate him as he takes all the young people.”

I think by providing some impartial objective information to someone, and allowing that person to take the responsibility to make their own decisions is a better way to help.

In my story the person can decide if they are OK with drugs, or they can wonder why people keep disappearing. I have not said whether it is could or bad, or given my judgment on it. I have also been fair by stating that although people disappear that are also people that have stayed. Instead I have tried to give information to help the other person make a decision.

And by being fair and non judgmental my information would have a higher value to that person.

Perhaps if we did more of this, we could help each other much more. And the scene could self correct without becoming judgemental.

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