BDSM Dan and his husband/sub

Podcast Episode 5: How To Become An Authentic BDSM Dominate

In this BDSM podcast epsiode we interview Dan Apus Monoceros. Dan is a Dom, Rigger, Sadist, Owner, Master and more. He has his own kink household, is a BDSM artist and runs some of the best BDSM nights in Berlin.

Dan talks about his journey to find his authentic form of dominance and his learnings and thoughts when he tried to become the stereotypical Master, and how important it is to define yourself as you want to be.

You can contact Dan at:

You can find out more about Dan at:

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BDSM podcast show notes

[00:00:02.500] – phil
Welcome to the Master/slave Lifestyle podcast where we interview the people living the real Master/slave lifestyle all consensual and all in different ways.

[00:00:39.500] – phil
Hi everyone in this episode I’m talking to Dan a dominant of his own household and the founder of the BDSM club, someone who has created some of the best BDSM nights in Berlin as far as I am concerned. Dan, welcome to the podcast.

[00:00:54.430] – Dan
Thanks for having me here.

[00:00:56.560] – phil
So would you like to give a quick introduction about yourself? Oh, yeah, sure. We met when I was doing one of my events, and I’m a kink coach. I’m a bondage trainer and fetish artist, and I do fetish and BDSM events in Berlin. With the whole concept. I started like two or three years ago. But in the fetish world or even the bondage classes and the Kink shows I’m doing this for around 17 years now.

[00:01:27.820] – Dan
I’m also in a relation with my former slave and husband and we are together now for 13 years. And yeah, I think that’s basically like a little bit in the background. I’m thirty seven years old living in Berlin now and. Yeah. So I think that’s kind of who I am at the moment.

[00:01:47.560] – phil
And just before I hit the record button, we were talking about what title to give you, and you were kind of saying that you didn’t really want to be referred to as a Master. So could you tell me a bit more about that and what your thinking was?

[00:02:03.800] – Dan
Yes, I think we go also deeper in the background, because in the past I was called myself a master and I was really happy with that. But over the years of development, I think that it’s not the fitting expression anymore. It has a lot of prejudices and brings up a lot of expectations on the other side, like a strict protocol, you have to say Sir all the time and everything. And to be honest, most of my own protocols, I’m even forgetting over the time.

[00:02:35.050] – Dan
So to be honest, I’m not that type of a master. I’m a Dom, I’m a sadist. I am rigger, I have an idea what I want and I kind of get what I want. And I’m also a master in regard to my husband sometimes. But if I would call myself a master, I would introduce myself as a master. I think this would be a completely wrong impression, what the other people have of me.

[00:03:02.800] – phil
So although you don’t like the title master, you are the person in charge.

[00:03:08.650] – Dan
Yes.

[00:03:09.670] – phil
So I was just thinking about some of our dinners. It’s always been very clear to me that there that you are the dominant so. Well, you don’t have the title master. You are the nominally, the person in charge in a situation.

[00:03:25.900] – Dan
Correct. But I’m also happy to decide that the other can be in charge. So it’s not that I have to be a top all the time. And for example, total power exchange relationship, which was like a really crazy idea I loved in the beginning. And it’s just not me. I like to take responsibility, also like to be in charge of the things. But I also like to to let decisions go. Like, I’m not really caring about what you’re wearing, but if you’re wearing the wrong stuff, I tell you. So just make it right.

[00:04:00.600] – phil
OK, very interesting. And so say you set that total exchange. It isn’t really your thing and you found that it didn’t really work. And would you like to speak a bit more about that?

[00:04:15.520] – Dan
Yes. So we can let’s call it maybe a light power exchange like like the people describe me all the time as a natural domme. So I never played a role. I was never using strict protocols or artificial things to put myself in a higher position. But just when I speak with the people they know, they didn’t have an idea what to do, that I want this and they have to follow these rules. So this is kind of. Yeah, but I understand as a natural, dumb or maybe a master, I don’t know how you want to call it, but yeah, I see something.

[00:04:55.150] – Dan
I have the feeling it should go in that direction. And then I said, oh, maybe make it this way. And if I don’t have any idea of. About it, then I just let the situation go, and if it goes in the wrong direction for me, I tell or I can change it. Or I can also say now I have a clue how I want it and let’s do it that way. So it’s I let the things flow a little and then I give, like, the direction I want.

[00:05:18.360] – Dan
And then in the end, it’s maybe it’s not as I plan in the beginning, but maybe because maybe I didn’t even have a plan in the beginning that in the end it turns out that it makes me happy.

[00:05:27.330] – phil
It sounds like a very organic process that you you want it to develop in its own way without forcing it. Absolutely.

[00:05:35.370] – Dan
Absolutely. I know this is sometimes very difficult for people, especially if they expect that. Oh, yes, now I’m coming. Like in the beginning, I was doing this typical sessions, like, OK, you get in, you kneel down and I come from behind. I blindfold you, tie your hands to the back, then you kiss my feet on my boots, and then you do this and that. And we had the protocol of structures. And still sometimes with my husbands, there are some protocols.

[00:06:01.440] – Dan
If I’m asked them or if I ask them to do them, he’s doing them. And that’s always what I want to point out, that he’s still my slave and we are still in this kind of relationship. But it’s not like all the time when we are starting something, he has to lick my boots or similar. So you also don’t have to call me sir all the time. But for example, sometimes I want to show off, like if we have some some people together.

[00:06:24.270] – Dan
And I have the feeling that my husband is a little bit too pushy and too much partying or something, and it’s like, OK, kneel down here. And this is like, no, why should I? Is it because I say so? And then he’s kneeling down.

[00:06:35.220] – phil
Thank you for sharing that. So you mentioned protocols a few times. So really think about protocols you like?

[00:06:44.190] – Dan
I like protocols in the way as they are giving you an easy access, like when you’re insecure about yourself, especially as a DOM, if I’m going with a new person or something, a protocol can give me a really, really good structure. Also as the DOM to exactly know what to what to say, what to ask for, I can make a clear structure planning before. And if I’m not yet in the mood, probably during the protocol I get into the mood.

[00:07:12.750] – Dan
So that’s a really, really strength of protocols and also some other stuff, like, for example, when you’re let’s say when you’re walking on the street and you’re sub has to walk half a meter behind you, this is, for example, something I really like to do with people who I’m not yet really emotionally secure, that they’re really my subs then as these protocols just to let them show that they are my subs. So this will keep them in the mindset, this should express that I’m the Dom, that they have to follow my rules.

[00:07:48.960] – Dan
But if I’m really sure that we are in this clear power hierarchy, then I don’t need the protocols anymore.

[00:07:56.730] – phil
What is the thing that happens which makes you realize that you don’t need them?

[00:08:01.320] – Dan
If I have an inner if the other person has an inner expression like any doing saying, if I feel that there’s a high respect that this person is looking up to me and respecting myself, actually we can be on an eye on eye level. But I want to feel in what he is saying, that he is really putting his identity behind his wishes. Like what I want is first and then his idea. So if somebody, for example, a sub comes to me and makes like a pushy botton or something, I think this can be sometimes very sexy.

[00:08:37.770] – Dan
But I don’t want it if I don’t know that this is just to please me. Sometimes I have the feeling that the subs are really like, oh, no, I want to get fucked. And then he’s like trying to expose his ass to me and I feel like, OK, then I definitely don’t want to fuck you. But if it’s like an offer and I’m like, kind of OK, I’m, I want to get teased by you, then it’s correct.

[00:09:00.600] – Dan
And I want to have the feeling that this is really because he thinks that I like it and not because he wants it. And if I have this feeling then I’m really happy. And then it’s like I can change the whole story by SNAP and everything is in another direction. And that’s really at the point where I want. And then I let the whole situation go and then it can be but at the puppy pla,y bitch and Daddy or whatever, this can be really fun.

[00:09:25.890] – Dan
And I sometimes just let my subs play with each others. That’s really easy and really cool them. So yeah, if I get to this point, it’s enough for me.

[00:09:37.110]
It’s very interesting. It kind of triggered a thought from another conversation I had with someone else, which was at one point they were having issues with their slave and what they found out was the slave was trying to turn the master on in how the slave wanted it rather than doing it as the master. But like. Yes, is that something you can relate to……..