How to have a polyamorous relationship – part 1

In looking for lifestyle slavery, I have found that it is widespread that there will be more than 1 person in the relationship. So knowing how to deal with a polyamorous relationship is essential when seeking this lifestyle.


Before we get into the article, here are some descriptions.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is the desire or practises for intimate relationships with more than one partner, and with the consent of all partners involved.

What does a primary relationship mean?

In polyamory, people can view relationships in different ways.

A primary relationship is the main relationship. Many needs are met through the primary relationship, and they would generally live together. For example, a typical partnership.

Someone can have more than one primary relationship.

What does a secondary relationship mean?

A secondary relationship is a relationship where one or a small subset of needs are met. It is seen as secondary compared to the primary. It can still be important but is not as important as the primary.

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What will be covered

This subject area is huge, and one article cannot go in-depth on such a broad subject. This article is an attempt to give a brief summary and taster of the sorts of things you should be aware of when considering a polyamorous relationship. 

I have split this article into 2 parts:

  • Introduction
  • Part 1: What to ask and look for when finding a polyamorous relationship – this article
  • Part 2: What can happen in a polyamorous relationship – and therefore what you need to check for before entering such as relationship

Part 2 will be released next week,


BDSM relationships come in all shapes and sizes, including:

  • The monogamous relationship, 
  • The primary and secondary relationship,
  • The fuckbuddy,
  • Friends with benefits,
  • BDSM families that live together,
  • BDSM families that live apart,
  • and many many more!

There are so many varieties; it is hard to keep count of them all. The majority (or all!) of the relationships we see around us are generally non-fetish monogamous. This means it is very hard to know what to expect in a polyamorous relationship. What are the rules, and what should we do when something does not work?

It can be easy to think that a slave just has to accept what the Master wants. But the slave needs to know what sort of relationship they want, and the kind of relationship on offer. If the slave accepts a relationship they do not wish to, the relationship will not last.

And if the Master has not thought through properly the ramifications of the relationship, it can be damaging to all parties involved.

The Ethical Slut

Much of the inspiration for this article comes from a book I recommend anyone wanted a more complex relationship to read: The Ethical Slut.

This book details all the myriad sort of relationships one can have, but also how people should act and behave in them to allowing polyamory to work.

It is very open about the issues that can exist, including jealously and being triggered and how relationships and the people inside them can try and deal with these.

What to ask and look for when finding a polyamorous relationship

Clearly communicating what you want

Imagine a situation where a person has a primary relationship with a partner. The person is now looking for a secondary relationship with a slave.

What do they mean by a secondary relationship?

They need to be clear what this means. Does the person want a play buddy with no strings attached? Do they want something a bit deeper but it is still more like a once a week play sort of thing? Or are they looking for a 3rd member of the family to come and live with them (which would be a much more primary relationship)?

Does the person want the slave to also interact with his partner or not? Should the interaction between slave and partner be more as an acquaintance? Or is it as a friend, or as a play buddy as well?

For example: imagine a couple that wants a slave to join them in their relationship? If we probe deeper: is it that one person (the Master) wants a slave, while the other is less interested. Does this mean there is a Master-slave relationship with one person in the couple, but a different sort of relationship with the other person? What would this relationship be?

These are questions that ALL THREE need to ask. As a slave myself, these are questions I would ask when joining a couple. And couples who are thinking about widening their relationship need to think through what this means?

Make sure the core needs overlap

We also need to check what needs we have and whether these needs overlap. 

An example is to think about primary and secondary relationships.

Imagine the following situation: Someone has a partner as their primary relationship where most of their needs are met. They are looking for a secondary relationship with a slave. This is a relationship to fulfil their needs as a Master.

And there is a slave who has a partner that is their primary relationship,. The slave is looking for a secondary relationship with a Master to fulfil their needs a slave.

Here we can see that the needs of the Master and slave overlap nicely.

Let’s now change the situation. The slave has no partner and is looking for a relationship with a Master as their primary relationship. Would it now work between the slave and the Master?

If the Master in this relationship is looking for more play and less responsibility, the answer is probably no. The needs of the slave and Master do not overlap enough.

Why does this matter? Why would the answer be no when the slave is looking for a primary relationship, and the Master is not?

An example from own past can help offer why. I was once very close to a Master. But when I was ill, he was not interested in interacting with me until I was better. Why was this? The Master saw our relationship as secondary – my needs when I was ill were not his concern, only when we played together.  

But I saw the relationship as primary, and so was hurt that the relationship stopped while I was ill.

Going back to the example of the Master and slave, let’s change the situation slightly. The Master is looking for a fulltime relationship with a slave. He will also continue to have a fulltime relationship with his partner. Now the needs of the Master and slave overlap (if the slave is open to a polyamorous relationship).


We need to make sure that we understand what each other are looking for, and if our needs overlap enough for the relationship to work.

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