Just before I moved, I had received an email from a Master. In it, he was describing the contradiction of what he thought a Master should be, and what he was as a person.

Because of this difference, he was feeling self-doubt and shame. I think many of us can relate to these feelings – both Masters and slaves. We all have particular stereotype views of what a slave or Master would be.

Let’s look at the pictures below. Which one is the true Master?

Of course, this is a trick question. Both could be Masters, but the image of the left is the stereotypical view of what a Master is (and I have never met in 20 years!).

I think the BDSM scene, but also society in general likes to try and put us into boxes. These boxes say what we should do and how we behave. But most often this is bullshit!

Let’s be the Masters and slaves we are supposed to be

Instead, we should all try and be who we are supposed to be.

It is like a Master that says they have never been fucked – as if this shows they are a real top. I know many tops that like Anal – my last full-time Master liked to be fisted, but He was very clearly a Master. Or the slave that is also a natural leader and is the successful head of a company.

So we are full of these “contradictions.”

What we need to do is to integrate these differences. Rather than thinking, we can only be one thing, or to build walls, so they do not merge, we need to focus on being who we actually are.

What happened to me

3 years ago, when I moved to Berlin to be with my Master, I was very much splitting myself into pieces. I like writing books about teddy bears, but I also want to serve a man without limit, I am a bodybuilder but also love to meditate and to do somatic work. I felt like I did not belong anywhere, and there was no tribe where I truly fit in. And for each tribe, I only portrayed a part of myself.

After I split up with my Master, I started to realise how this splitting was becoming unsustainable, and I was literally beginning to break apart. Over the last 3 years, I have focussed much more on integrating all of myself. To focus on being who I was meant to be, and not to hide that from people.

It is not the easiest of journeys, and I am still integrating and improving. But I feel I am finally allowing myself to be me. And strangely enough, when people meet me, see this, and find it very attractive. Using tools such as the slave CV has really helped me in the process of integrating myself.

So I would say, be who you are meant to be. Find a way to make all of yourself work as that is who you are supposed to be.

Gay culture in general

In a coincidence, I spoke to a friend the same day as I had received this email, and they were doing the same thing. They have realised they need to be who they were meant to be – a sensitive man – rather than portraying themselves as a uber-successful hard gay man.

Be strong and be yourself

So there are many of us having the same issue – but the solution is the same – to not fight the contradiction.

In doing so, we start to get an inner strength, an inner validation of who we are and use that to guide us, rather than the opinion of other people.

This involves knowing your values, your strengths, and the principles you decide you want to live by – during the hard times as well as the good.

It is these few men who I seek out as a Master for me. They have an inner strength and certainty, and this is something I find very attractive.

It is when we train the inside that the outside becomes amazing.

So go forward both Masters and slave, and be strong by being yourself!